Cancer takes us to place that we can’t come back from. No matter how fiercely we long for our lives and selves from when we were immortal, we can’t return. We all know that. The smell of the hand soap at the hospital, the taste of saline when the nurse flushes our IV or port, the pains, weaknesses, scars and so many other reminders bring it all immediately back. For many of us every moment of every day has a border around it of ambivalence; we get used to it.
Almost every moment, that is. This morning I was driving behind a big white truck. Leafy, old trees overhung the street and when the early autumn sun fell in patterns on the back of the truck it was overwhelmingly beautiful. I was happy. No border around the moment, just happy. I forgot myself, forgot time, forgot my ambivalence and let the unexpected beauty of a golden pattern of light give me a surprise reminder of my timeless self.
Happiness, happiness– is no longer a cheap commodity. It never was really, but it always seemed so easy, and in such endless supply. Now I when it happens I don’t defer the moment, I succumb to it completely, I drench myself as much and for as long as possible. I want to share it, like the putting my thumb on the nozzle of the happiness garden hose and spraying everyone around me, letting us all laugh in the moment of borderless, timeless, happiness now.