What We Talk About [When We Talk About Cancer]

My diagnosis changed me into a different person.  I went from A to Z in a New York minute.  I went from healthy to exceedingly ill in the blink of an eye.  Whose life wouldn’t change?  Yes, we all know that we will die someday, but only a late stage cancer diagnosis will have you thinking about dying day after day.  There is no joy, no laughter, no happiness, only a sad, sad shell.  Where I once was the life of the party, am now by my own hand, left to wonder and worry alone as no one can help me with my thoughts.  Is this my last birthday?  Is this my last holiday season?  No amount of positive pep talk can change this.  I have been robbed by this monster.  I have been scarred by the very idea that I was sick for so long and that no one was able to discover that fact until my very late diagnosis.  My friends and family want the person I once was back.  She is gone.  Is she missed?  Yes, terribly.  I miss her as well but the fact remains that that person no longer exists.  Could I come out the other side changed again?  I hope so.